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Embracing Nothingness and Rebirth

Just had to write some thoughts down...

Old Man Saturn continues to work on me. I'm grateful for this, and I feel altered, expanded. Refined. Yesterday I worked my Saturnian rite, and asked for his continued blessing and favor. It was a successful rite, and I felt the power of Spirit. Today, during his hour, I found myself within the Nothingness that his meditative rites can engender. No stream of past or future played in my head, and I didn't live in that stream. I just existed. It was curious, because I'd never simply found myself in that state before--I had to create it through meditation. Ritual. This time, people spoke with me, and it didn't disappear. I noticed that standing from within that state I could consider things in a fashion different from when in normal states of consciousness. I could consider things without being prey to my usual personal preferences. Things that would normally necessitate a reaction left me absolutely unmoved. I could see how they would move me, should move me, but instead I observed them. Not only did I observe things, I observed myself, and was able to walk my reactions back to there root cause. This was unpleasant. My wife asks me to re-dry some laundry--this immediately irritated me because it could imply that I was incompetent. This was not her intention at all, she just didn't want to have to re-wash the laundry. But, being prideful, my natural reaction was mild affront. I watched this feeling arise, and then disappear when I failed to engage with it. My sense of self-importance--a bulwark first built against the insults and loneliness of childhood (my family was loving, but my peers found me strange)--was at the root of the reaction. What was especially interesting to me was understanding that this reaction, and others exactly like it, could make up my entire existence if  I wasn't Aware. If I let myself slip back into the past/future trap. Being truly self-aware frees us from the trap of the reactive mind, which is formed by reaction to how the external world meets the needs of the young person as it forms. We dance to strings outside of our awareness, lost in our past. Even that is a trap, because there is no personal past; truly, the past lives within us as the reactive mind, and for the non-aware pulls our strings. We react instead of act, because the past is truly alive in our reactive mind. This leaves us weak. The illusion of self-control is worse than least with outright slavery, we can see the one we should kill. Existing in the present isn't just about paying attention to your kids 10 minutes into a Sponge-bob inspired soliloquy; existing in the present requires us to hunt down and ruthlessly murder the past, and to regard the future as the illusion that it is as well. We have to let this mind die in order to become our selves, to free ourselves from this slavery. We have to inure ourselves against our passions, temper them. More little deaths, little gifts from Saturn, each like a sacrifice burnt at his altar. It wasn't the first time I'd experienced this, of course, but it was the first time it solidified as part of my day-to-day consciousness. I woke up a long time ago, but hadn't learned to destroy the past until now. That's the trick; you have to observe and follow the reaction until you get to it's root, and then drag that out into the light of your awareness. Think of these things as vampires--the more light you shine on them, the closer they are to doing. It requires pure honesty, and it's brutal, because a lot of these reactions are rooted in fear. Most of them, I would say. Fear of being weak. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being too strong, fear of hurting and being hurt. This is valuable because it enables truly deep communion with yourself.You become aware that your personality isn't you. This refinement is brought about first by the Nothingness of the Death Card, then the guidance and blessing of the Angel of Temperance, the tempering of the Passions in the Devil Card, and the endless destruction of the reactive-mind in the Tower. Each time the Tower is built it is built of finer Stone. At some point, through the grace of your Angel, you come to realize that the mars-force is destroying something, but that something isn't you. Soon the reactive-mind becomes an airy and light structure, through which the light of your True Self might shine. Instead of a prison, it becomes a temple. Then you can be reborn.

  If you are lucky, and you know another who is Aware in this way, it can enable true communion with them as well--a rare thing, as most of us are sleeping in the past/future mind, and unable to truly see another through our own reactions. How can we see someone else when we can't see ourselves? A terrible thing, that men die without having known themselves, and even sadder that they might not have truly known another--seen them with eyes unclouded by their own needs, seen their actions outside of the fear-based reactions they clothed themselves with to survive in the world.

Just some thoughts.

I hope all are well.



  1. "..existing in the present requires us to hunt down and ruthlessly murder the past, and to regard the future as the illusion that it is.."

    Well said. These the most difficult tasks I've ever come across. "Should have, Would have, Could have" are the banes of my trials. Thank you for posting such a succinct post on how to get on with the important things.

  2. More and more magicians talk like Advaitists these days =)
    Check out the youtube videos of mooji and gangaji, you will be surprised :-)


  3. Fantastic post, Brother. It is a difficult state to dwell in at first, but each time it becomes easier to go back to. Once you reach it outside of ritual space you always "know the way back" so to say.

  4. @Soror Susanne Thank you kindly!

  5. @Greg at the end of the day, it's the mystery of the One thing that we all approach, eh?

  6. @Fra Jow, thank you, and you're read-only. How goes your own work with the Old Man?

  7. @AIT: I totally would have responded days ago, but I wasn't alerted to comments, sadly.

    The work goes well. It is daunting at times, but, it gets less daunting the less chained and more free you are.

    It seems like the Old Man is turning his gaze on most people in my immediate circles. I have been doing my best to try and minister to them as best I can, mostly by listening. No one likes to hear how a personal disaster will open up "untold possibility", especially when they are in the midst of it.

    I honestly miss my graveyard walks with the Old Man. I would walk and chant and spread offerings to feed the dead. But.. then I was a block away from a 200 year old cemetery with no gates. Now, by time I get local, the gates are closed, but that too will pass.

    I seem to be being pushed into less meditative and more interactive roles, which is weird for me. But, it's full of untold possibility!


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