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Showing posts from May 16, 2010

Today I woke up.

Ave, I've spent huge amounts of my lifetime basically asleep. Living in a daydreaming state, a fugue. The problem is the future. The idea of it, anyway. It doesn't exist. The past exists as the present, there is nothing but the present. Nothing! I'm not saying this right, but it's a true thing. I've spent the entire day trying not to fall back asleep. I understand what Gurdijeff was teaching. We're a race of sleepwalkers, we spend more time asleep than awake. I refuse to do so any longer. What a difference this is. Subtle at first, but deepening. I've always thought I had a terrible memory; this isn't true. I haven't actually been present for the things that occurred that I wished to recall. Sleep-walking. I've been dreaming, and seeing everything about me as in a dream. Not seeing the truth of a thing. Interestingly, it isn't as difficult to stay awake as I thought it would be.  Sleep still sneaks up on me, but there's a quiet spot


Ave, There seem to be a lot of little "marriages" occurring on different levels for me at this point in time. Whilst walking today, after doing some work with the interior metals post Middle Pillar, I came to an awareness of the present. It was interesting; I realized that I spent much of my day doing various things within my Mind but not actually being present in the moment I was living. My active attention was rarely wed to the outer world, and rarely wed more than superficially to my deeper inner world. I spend most of my day either in the future, in the past, or in a limbo in between, and am not often actually in the world we live in. I mean, even things that required I pay attention never really got my entire attention--the engine of my mind was always running multiple instances. Today while I was walking a couple of things occurred. I became aware of my body in a way that I wasn't before, of the amazing processes that the lower mind run automatically for us. The