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Hard Lessons


Goodness. Sometimes being a magician sucks. Since I began all of this prayer and work for communion with the HGA, I've taken some rough rolls of the dice. Things have arisen that are not only tests of character, but seem to be decision-making if I am determining who I am, and being forced to make certain decisions, instead of being shaped by the tides. Thing is, it isn't all super pleasant. I've been forced through a series of life-issues to make decisions and take stands about things that matter- I am usually a laid back kind of gent, but after certain events this weekend, I've been pulled very strongly toward the center. I've had to step outside and beyond what were once my moral bounds. I've had to leave behind a certain milk-water niceness that is not serving me well.

That is not to say that I've become a cruel person; only that I've been overly hesitant to exert my own will if it inconveniences others. This is a weak, imbalanced way of doing things. As if getting things my own way were impolite. I'm not absolutely certain about where this habit came from. I'm pretty sure I developed it over the course of a life spent not actually caring much about whether things went one way or another. That apathy bled over into other areas (as these things always do), and I find myself acting ineffectually precisely because I don't care enough about the result to be bothered. This is a sign that I wasn't actively taking a stake in the events of my own life; even the mundane events are important, and they are an opportunity to shape my life and my world according to my own will and principle. Not taking that stake is a missed opportunity; to have mastery of the self, one has to be engaged in one's own life. This means taking a stake in the day to day happenings and interactions-this means giving a shit, and being active across the board.

This also seems to coincide with the Fire work, which seems to have commenced regardless of whether I made my formal request. Perhaps the work to connect with the HGA requires a balanced makeup, and Fire is where I currently need to work to create that balance. My Invocation of Bitom probably had a fair bit to do with that-now that I think about it. My,my. Who would have thought that Invoking the Angel of Fire from the tablet of Union would have an effect on one's own Elemental makeup? This is one of those moments where my guru would give me a sound slapping upside the head, if I had one. A guru, that is. My head is still where I left it.

So, some hard lessons learned. Had to face up to being weak and ineffectual in different areas of my life-not a nice feeling. Terribly emasculating. But, it's the truth. You can't carry a torch without shining some light on the crap in your life as well. That's what  I signed up for when I became a Magician. I've learned this lesson a dozen times, but this time I think it will stick-you can't be only be a Magician in your temple. It's a whole life, 24 hour a day commitment.

I hope the day finds you all well!



  1. Ave Frater.

    In my opinion, this is one of the best entries in your blog.

    Every time I read it, my eyes swim.

    I am a creative, and struggle through the years to keep up my enthusiasm and focus in a world and business that constantly devalues music and art that has no immediate financial/populist commercial use.

    I've had moments over the past two years of deepest apathy - to the degree of being scary as threatening to undermine my motivation.

    I read this blog a while ago, and am revisiting it. Just the lines -

    'Not taking that stake is a missed opportunity; to have mastery of the self, one has to be engaged in one's own life. This means taking a stake in the day to day happenings and interactions-this means giving a shit, and being active across the board.'

    - make brilliant reading. Hard but brilliant.

    Thanks again, AIT.

    In LVX,



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